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Disclaimer: This is satire mostly so please don't vote as inflammatory or no value. Have fun with it.
In the Iowa Republican caucuses there were no candidates' names on the ballots, only their pictures, so GOP illiterates could vote too. They didn't want to offend or exclude their base after all. To vote for a candidate the instructions were to make make sure a dab of cow-@!$%# completely covered the circle next to your candidate's picture. That's not true. I made it up because the choice I was rooting for didn't win and I'm sore. Yes, I was hoping none-of-the-above would take it in a landslide.
When I found out the results were a tie between a pandering flip-flopper and a guy who guy who wants to outlaw sex and start a war with Iran since the Iraq war went so well, I got depressed. What was up with Iowa? A backwards bible-belt? I did a little research and I'm pleased to say Iowa is probably OK. You don't have to avoid it on a cross-country trip for fear of hearing banjo playing.
The caucus results (source - http://iowacaucus.com/results/):
- Pandering flip-flopper - Romney 30,015 votes
- Guy that wants to outlaw sex - Santorum 30,007 votes
- Guy that says every man for themselves - Paul 26,219 votes
- Guy your baby doesn't want to be kissed by on the campaign trail - Gingrich 16,251 votes
- Guy that denies it's abnormally hot even as his state burns to the ground - Perry 12,604
- Space alien from planet bat@!$%# - Bachmann 6,073 votes
- Closest to normal - Huntsman 745 votes
- Book selling pizza guy who would be in serious trouble if sex was illegal - Cain a few votes
- Guy I never heard of who may have just been delivering the pizza - Roemer a few votes
Rough total of votes equals 121,914. To keep from throwing up I had to put this in perspective so I looked up the 2008 presidential election results from Iowa (source - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_presidential_election,_2008). Obama won by a 9.53% margin, and in the battle of also-ran the very-progressive (sum of Ralph Nader plus Cynthia McKinney) beat the bring-back-the-dark-ages candidates (Barr and Baldwin) 9,437 to 9,035. I give my apologies to Iowa. Yes like everywhere else you have a depressing number of wing-nuts running loose but sane people still predominate.
So what do I conclude from the Iowa results?
- The results were not as bad as they first seemed. Only a small fraction of those that could have voted did.
- Iowa republicans were as confused about who to support as they are about whether global warming is real. They're really splintered.
- The GOP slate is so bad that that no matter who the eventual nominee is they don't stand a chance in the general election.
- Even though the results aren't that bad they show that there are enough lunatics out there that progressives can never be complacent.
